you have put into words what i've been feeling for so long. it's both terrifying and exhilarating, like how shane and ilya felt after shane picked him up from the airport. i've started asking my friends and even my partner if they would still like me if i was a man.. it's an odd feeling to have but i'm trying to allow myself to explore it without feeling immense amounts of fear! also the heart ache of not ever being able to experience boyhood as a child/teen is crushing </3
thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that what I wrote resonated with you so deeply. it definitely is a scary thing but remember, you are brave!! <3
That mix of terrifying + exhilarating is so real — like your whole nervous system recognizing something true before your brain can “explain” it.
And yeah, the grief of missing boyhood can hit like a wall, even while you’re also opening a door; both can exist at once without canceling each other out.
Thanks for articulating this. I've been writing/talking/reading my way through my HR obsession all year, and your take definitely unlocked something for me. My partner is NB, and came out to me as such about eight years ago. This has allowed me to explore my own fluid feelings, which were more theoretical before, the kind of disbelief in gender and sexual binaries that a girl gets from a couple of Women's Studies classes in undergrad and a lot of dancing at gay and punk clubs. But I'm in my 50s now, hormones have shifted, and I am both delighted and soothed by this show and its stars. Emotional evolution and hot romantic love against the backdrop of a very masculine sport, portrayed by two men who fuck with gender? What a time to be alive and open-minded.
Luca, this really landed for me… especially that tension between attraction and recognition.
That feeling of “this is doing something to me and I don’t fully understand why yet”… you captured that so precisely. The way you describe returning to something over and over, not just because you like it, but because there’s something in it that feels like a version of yourself you haven’t fully met yet… that hit.
I also really appreciated how you talked about shame as a signal instead of something to suppress. That reframing feels important, like it turns discomfort into something worth paying attention to instead of pushing away.
There’s something in here about how we use story (fandom, characters, repetition) not just as escape, but as a kind of mirror or testing ground for identity. And the way you let yourself sit in that ambiguity instead of rushing to define it made the whole piece feel honest in a way that stuck with me.
thank you so much Waymon, i feel like you really got what i was trying to say (not suprised but still very cool 💗). the pull that you can't explain yet, shame as a signal, fandom as a testing ground for identity, this basically reads like the cliff notes for this article. i'm really glad you liked it and that it resonated <3
I’m really glad it came through that way… there’s something in that “pull you can’t explain yet” feeling that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately too.
It’s interesting how it shows up across different things, like not just fandom, but writing, certain ideas, even specific images or tones you keep circling back to before you fully understand why.
Feels like there’s something there about recognition happening before language catches up to it.
Yeah, exactly that. That moment where something hits before you can explain it… and your brain tries to catch up after the fact.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that too, how it’s less about confusion and more about recognition happening out of order.
And the shame piece is so real. When you stop treating it as something to hide and start seeing it as a signal, it changes what you’re willing to pay attention to.
It’s almost like the body knows first… and the story comes later.
Luca’s essay really gave me so much to think about. 🖤
such strong yearning! yearning to be myself more, to let my true self be seen and loved. gosh 🩷 all those shows do that for me- heartstopper was another big one. have you seen Our Flag Means Death?
Yes! So much of all of this. Love getting to read more of your thoughts, and proud of you for getting it on the page when the cringe tried to get you. Also your image choices and captions are 🔥
I really enjoy picking out the images and thinking of silly little captions so you singling that out feels so validating haha. thank you! and yess to not letting the cringe get us!! <3
I’m right here with you. Gender has been a question I’ve been looking at for long while but it’s only since this show that I’ve even been able to name my gender dysphoria (I knew I had body dysmorphia but it’s specifically triggered by the female parts of my body becoming more noticeable or more female). I also don’t know where I’m going with it all either, I’m taking my time, but I just wanted to say, I’m beside you 🫶🏻
that's so lovely to hear, thank you! 🫶 i think the intersection of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is so interesting, because while they are different things i can see totally where there'd be some overlap in our bodies just not feeling quite right. thank you for sharing! and here's to taking our time <3
I think I was just using the wrong language, because body dysmorphia was the only term I found for it, so I labelled it that. My gender identity also sits here. I am autistic and I build the world in fragments of understanding, using the knowledge that is available to me. As society, and my knowledge of it expands, my ability to understand myself does too. This language didn’t exist when I was spinning out about having female hips and fantasising about having a mastectomy in my teens. Every thing uncomfortable about how I feel in my body started with the hormone changes in my teens that revealed my sex. I’m unpacking it with the correct context now and that already feels healing.
Yes Luca! Fandoms are often supportive of gender-swapped cosplay in that sweet way that subcultures are inclusive and we find community through shared interests. ❤️
is that more embarrassing though? kinda also feels embarrassing to have this experience in such a mainstream fandom lol. i'd be interested to know what niche you're talking about if you feel like sharing (you can also dm me). either way i'm very happy that it resonated <33
yeah maybe you're right!! i've been in and out of a lot of fandoms though mental abilities making me lose my memory be damned, don't remember the experiences of most of them as i was mostly an observer anyways
fandoms like vocaloid (still in that LOL) and individual vocaPs, games like sky or crk, mostly stuff thats probably directed more towards children
Very beautifully written. It is interesting and ironic that I am a man but I did not live and did not enjoy my boyhood too because I was under a lot of religious and cultural pleasure and expectations! I am in my 30s now and you have no idea how much I envy guys who speak about their adventures in their teens. I do not feel sexually attracted to them but I feel I wish I was one of them.
thank you so much! so cool to hear that it resonated with you even though you've had a different experience, love that. the feeling of having missed out can be heartbreaking, but also, life isn't over (in my 30s too) so maybe it's about finding ways to have some of these experiences now? i get that it's not the same as being a reckless 16yo but still
Hamill, who plays Luke Skywalker, recently said that to him Luke was gay or something along those lines. I too was obsessed with the original Star Wars trilogy as a child 😜
Hamill, who plays Luke Skywalker, recently said that to him Luke was gay or something along those lines. I too was obsessed with the original Star Wars trilogy as a child 😜
you have put into words what i've been feeling for so long. it's both terrifying and exhilarating, like how shane and ilya felt after shane picked him up from the airport. i've started asking my friends and even my partner if they would still like me if i was a man.. it's an odd feeling to have but i'm trying to allow myself to explore it without feeling immense amounts of fear! also the heart ache of not ever being able to experience boyhood as a child/teen is crushing </3
thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that what I wrote resonated with you so deeply. it definitely is a scary thing but remember, you are brave!! <3
That mix of terrifying + exhilarating is so real — like your whole nervous system recognizing something true before your brain can “explain” it.
And yeah, the grief of missing boyhood can hit like a wall, even while you’re also opening a door; both can exist at once without canceling each other out.
Thanks for articulating this. I've been writing/talking/reading my way through my HR obsession all year, and your take definitely unlocked something for me. My partner is NB, and came out to me as such about eight years ago. This has allowed me to explore my own fluid feelings, which were more theoretical before, the kind of disbelief in gender and sexual binaries that a girl gets from a couple of Women's Studies classes in undergrad and a lot of dancing at gay and punk clubs. But I'm in my 50s now, hormones have shifted, and I am both delighted and soothed by this show and its stars. Emotional evolution and hot romantic love against the backdrop of a very masculine sport, portrayed by two men who fuck with gender? What a time to be alive and open-minded.
Luca, this really landed for me… especially that tension between attraction and recognition.
That feeling of “this is doing something to me and I don’t fully understand why yet”… you captured that so precisely. The way you describe returning to something over and over, not just because you like it, but because there’s something in it that feels like a version of yourself you haven’t fully met yet… that hit.
I also really appreciated how you talked about shame as a signal instead of something to suppress. That reframing feels important, like it turns discomfort into something worth paying attention to instead of pushing away.
There’s something in here about how we use story (fandom, characters, repetition) not just as escape, but as a kind of mirror or testing ground for identity. And the way you let yourself sit in that ambiguity instead of rushing to define it made the whole piece feel honest in a way that stuck with me.
This is so good….❤️
thank you so much Waymon, i feel like you really got what i was trying to say (not suprised but still very cool 💗). the pull that you can't explain yet, shame as a signal, fandom as a testing ground for identity, this basically reads like the cliff notes for this article. i'm really glad you liked it and that it resonated <3
I’m really glad it came through that way… there’s something in that “pull you can’t explain yet” feeling that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately too.
It’s interesting how it shows up across different things, like not just fandom, but writing, certain ideas, even specific images or tones you keep circling back to before you fully understand why.
Feels like there’s something there about recognition happening before language catches up to it.
Really appreciated you putting words to that.❤️
You named it so cleanly — attraction vs recognition, and that “this is doing something to me” feeling before you can language it.
And I love the point about shame as a signal: not something to bury, but something that’s pointing at a self you’re circling back toward on purpose.
Yeah, exactly that. That moment where something hits before you can explain it… and your brain tries to catch up after the fact.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that too, how it’s less about confusion and more about recognition happening out of order.
And the shame piece is so real. When you stop treating it as something to hide and start seeing it as a signal, it changes what you’re willing to pay attention to.
It’s almost like the body knows first… and the story comes later.
Luca’s essay really gave me so much to think about. 🖤
Thank you so much for putting words on those feelings 🫰🥹❤️🩹🫶
thank YOU so much for reading and leaving such a lovely comment <3 it means a lot to know that my words resonated with you.
This was so gorgeous and so well articulated. I loved reading it, thank you for writing it!
thank you so much!! I really appreciate it 💗
Big HR fan and I love reading everyone’s different reasons for their attachment to it. Thank you for sharing.
I love hearing what heated rivalry evokes. it seems to have reflected so much as a mirror for so many people, myself included in different ways!
yeah it really is special 🫶 what did it evoke for you, if you don’t mind me asking?
such strong yearning! yearning to be myself more, to let my true self be seen and loved. gosh 🩷 all those shows do that for me- heartstopper was another big one. have you seen Our Flag Means Death?
Yes! So much of all of this. Love getting to read more of your thoughts, and proud of you for getting it on the page when the cringe tried to get you. Also your image choices and captions are 🔥
I really enjoy picking out the images and thinking of silly little captions so you singling that out feels so validating haha. thank you! and yess to not letting the cringe get us!! <3
I’m right here with you. Gender has been a question I’ve been looking at for long while but it’s only since this show that I’ve even been able to name my gender dysphoria (I knew I had body dysmorphia but it’s specifically triggered by the female parts of my body becoming more noticeable or more female). I also don’t know where I’m going with it all either, I’m taking my time, but I just wanted to say, I’m beside you 🫶🏻
that's so lovely to hear, thank you! 🫶 i think the intersection of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is so interesting, because while they are different things i can see totally where there'd be some overlap in our bodies just not feeling quite right. thank you for sharing! and here's to taking our time <3
I think I was just using the wrong language, because body dysmorphia was the only term I found for it, so I labelled it that. My gender identity also sits here. I am autistic and I build the world in fragments of understanding, using the knowledge that is available to me. As society, and my knowledge of it expands, my ability to understand myself does too. This language didn’t exist when I was spinning out about having female hips and fantasising about having a mastectomy in my teens. Every thing uncomfortable about how I feel in my body started with the hormone changes in my teens that revealed my sex. I’m unpacking it with the correct context now and that already feels healing.
Yes Luca! Fandoms are often supportive of gender-swapped cosplay in that sweet way that subcultures are inclusive and we find community through shared interests. ❤️
yeah that's true, cosplay is such a good example!
embarrassingly enough my experiences with gender and fandom mixed as one are more on the niche side but regardless i felt this on a deep level!!!
is that more embarrassing though? kinda also feels embarrassing to have this experience in such a mainstream fandom lol. i'd be interested to know what niche you're talking about if you feel like sharing (you can also dm me). either way i'm very happy that it resonated <33
(sent early my bad)
yeah maybe you're right!! i've been in and out of a lot of fandoms though mental abilities making me lose my memory be damned, don't remember the experiences of most of them as i was mostly an observer anyways
fandoms like vocaloid (still in that LOL) and individual vocaPs, games like sky or crk, mostly stuff thats probably directed more towards children
I’m lowkey drinking up this post, aaah
Just re-read. This really is so beautifully written. I love it.
aw thank you so much, that means a lot!! <3
Very beautifully written. It is interesting and ironic that I am a man but I did not live and did not enjoy my boyhood too because I was under a lot of religious and cultural pleasure and expectations! I am in my 30s now and you have no idea how much I envy guys who speak about their adventures in their teens. I do not feel sexually attracted to them but I feel I wish I was one of them.
thank you so much! so cool to hear that it resonated with you even though you've had a different experience, love that. the feeling of having missed out can be heartbreaking, but also, life isn't over (in my 30s too) so maybe it's about finding ways to have some of these experiences now? i get that it's not the same as being a reckless 16yo but still
Hamill, who plays Luke Skywalker, recently said that to him Luke was gay or something along those lines. I too was obsessed with the original Star Wars trilogy as a child 😜
ooh, interesting, i didn't know that. before i wrote this article i hadn't realised how many queer people also had a star wars phase haha
Hamill, who plays Luke Skywalker, recently said that to him Luke was gay or something along those lines. I too was obsessed with the original Star Wars trilogy as a child 😜